Today is a hard day. They are less frequent, but they still come around, unwelcome and unwanted. They are usually caused by one of, or all, of the following things:
Jealousy, Envy, Resentment: I see my husband’s life gain another major success in life or see more support coming from people that should be chastising his choices. I see him getting to do all the things that have been my dreams and that I currently don’t have the opportunity to do. I see him make claims about his faith that are in direct contradiction to what his is living in our marriage and he nor his friends seem to see it.
“But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not be boastful and false to the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, devilish.” James 3:14-15
Pride: I get stuck on what rumors have been spread about me. I think of all my Christian brothers and sisters who have not only failed to ask my side of the story, but they have seemingly supported my husband in abandoning me.
“The humble man is not cast down by the censures or the slights of others. If he has unconsciously given occasion for them, he amends the faults; if he deserves them not, he treats them as trifles.” –Venerable Fulton J. Sheen
Fear: Will I ever get to properly enjoy married life? Will anyone love me the way only a husband can and should? Will I ever get to bear and raise children? Will I be able to take care of myself financially? Will I ever get to live out my dreams? Can I forgive him?
“Do not fear or be dismayed at this great multitude; for the battle is not yours but God’s…This battle is not for you to fight; take your position, stand still, and see the victory of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you.” 2 Chronicles 20: 15-17
Exhaustion: I’m just so tired of being angry, betrayed, lonely, broken-hearted. Tired of fighting the good fight. Tired of hanging on to something out of a mixture of obedience and hope, but without being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Tired of the endless dialogue in my head, replaying every moment of our relationship.
“May the Lord give to all of us the grace to not be afraid of the consolation of the Lord, to be open: ask for it, seek it, because it is a consolation that will give us hope, and make us feel the tenderness of God the Father.” Pope Francis, Dec 10, 2013
Every person, married or not, experiences days like this. Have faith. I have no idea when or how I will get through right now, but I know I will, eventually. I might wake up and be fine tomorrow or maybe I have a week of desperately grasping at solid ground as my heart feels more and more sucked into the quicksand. As hard as it is, look for the small things. Ask God for signs, but don’t expect billboards and neon lights. My support often comes through what my daily devotional says, or the daily Mass readings, or the message the priest gives in his homily. Sometimes, it’s a post on Facebook. This week I even had an acquaintance I barely know message me within an hour of finding myself in the pit again. He was specifically asking how I was and letting me know he was praying. I also reached out to my friends and family who I know would want to give me support. And I’ve also let myself cry, a lot. I’ve let myself feel, experience, and live out the pain. Despite all my little signs, the reality is that it still hurts. As my friend said last night, it’s a ‘hurts to be breathing’ kind of day. I’m slowly learning that I can’t let frustration of being in pain cause me more pain. I know that this is normal and expected and I need to accept it for what it is. It will not last forever, even if the situation does. It will not define me, even if I can’t see my life for anything else right now.